February 09, 2006
January 15, 2006
January 05, 2006
Some more lyrics to
Some more pertinant lyrics from Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory really seems to encapsulate my thoughts and feelings at the moment absolutely succiently... see for yourself... Please excuse any plagiarism, but I feel I cannot say it better myself right now... and just for little variety, Nickelback's "Photograph" seems to play on my longing for friends (and memories) back in SA...
***
There’s only one thing you should know* I tried so hard * And got so far
But in the end * It doesn’t even matter * I had to fall * To lose it all
But in the end * It doesn’t even matter
***
Paranoia's all I got left * I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed * But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
***
I cannot take this anymore * I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
Everything you say to me * Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break * I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge * And I'm about to break
***
It’s true / the way I feel * Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice * Painted on my memories
Even if you’re not with me * I’m with you
***
You love the way i look at you * While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through * You take away when I give in
My life * My pride is broken
***
Crawling in my skin *
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
***
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
***
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself
***
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
(You’ll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
Sick of the tension / sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place / to feed your greed
***
From the top to the bottom
Bottom to top I stop
At the core I’ve forgotten
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture is there
The memory won’t escape me
But why should I care
The memory now is like the picture was then
When the paper’s crumpled up it can’t be perfect again
***
I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
The sacrifice is never knowing
I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Read more...
***
There’s only one thing you should know* I tried so hard * And got so far
But in the end * It doesn’t even matter * I had to fall * To lose it all
But in the end * It doesn’t even matter
***
Paranoia's all I got left * I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed * But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
***
I cannot take this anymore * I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
Everything you say to me * Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break * I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge * And I'm about to break
***
It’s true / the way I feel * Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice * Painted on my memories
Even if you’re not with me * I’m with you
***
You love the way i look at you * While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through * You take away when I give in
My life * My pride is broken
***
Crawling in my skin *
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling/I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
***
These words were never true
Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again)
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again)
I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
***
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
by myself
***
I want to be in another place
I hate when you say you don’t understand
(You’ll see it's not meant to be)
I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
A place for my head
Sick of the tension / sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place / to feed your greed
***
From the top to the bottom
Bottom to top I stop
At the core I’ve forgotten
In the middle of my thoughts
Taken far from my safety
The picture is there
The memory won’t escape me
But why should I care
The memory now is like the picture was then
When the paper’s crumpled up it can’t be perfect again
***
I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
The sacrifice is never knowing
I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
December 26, 2005
Goodbye 2005
Well, another year draws to a close. And a seriously crappy one it has been at that...
Read more...
December 09, 2005
Soundtrack
The Linkin Park theme song to my life at the moment - as a matter of fact the whole album seems to be a soundtrack to my existence at present...
Read more...
December 04, 2005
10 Wasted Years
If they want to have sex with me, it's 'cause THEY want to have sex with me. They will get pleasure out of the exchange as well (hopefully) so no further "payment" is to be expected. If it is, then it's whoring, plain and simple - cash or kind makes no difference - if it's not a mutual exchange and one party expects some additional favour for their "gift", let's be straight about it and perfectly honest - it's prostitution. Even the implication of "gifting" yourself is sexist.
Read more...
November 16, 2005
The worst day of my life
This week I did the most stupid thing I have ever done. After months of strain, things were finally getting to a point where we could move on, when a simple enough email from my mother-in-law just sent me off the rails. A (in retrospect) reasonably innocent question:
"Sorry to hear that you are selling the house, please us know your version of what is going on..."
lead to this (very ill advised) tirade...
Read more...
"Sorry to hear that you are selling the house, please us know your version of what is going on..."
lead to this (very ill advised) tirade...
October 18, 2005
Developments
Hope you are all doing well and please feel free to drop me a line and let me know what is happening in your world - or just leave me a nudge to your blog. And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I am here to return the favour and a supportive ear, to listen to your hopes and dreams and to offer my thoughts and well-wishes, and to pray that your lives are both fulfilled and fulfilling!
Read more...
September 29, 2005
Thanks, a tongue lashing, a new rule, and a chance
First off, many thanks to all those who have offered their support and wisdom over the past few weeks - Amy, Rob, JeWeL and JD, your comments are all appreciated... Henceforth, not posts/comments of a religious nature will be tolerate on this blog/diary. If you wish to espouse the wonders of your faith, please do so in an appropriate medium, such as your church bulletin. Any future posts of an evangalistic nature (such as the comment on my "The anger returns..." piece) will simply be deleted.
Read more...
September 21, 2005
Best friend!
I am her "best friend", which is just great if it weren't for the fact that she said yes to my proposal knowing full well that a marriage involves more than just being friends and was therefore fully aware of my expectations and needs
Read more...
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The Reality Dysfunction Part I: Emergence
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The Reality Dysfunction Part I: Emergence by Peter F. Hamilton
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! The entire Night's Dawn trilogy is out of this world. If there was one story I would like to make into a movie it would be this one - but I would need to design an entire new cinema (and audio technology) for people to even start to experience it the way I do in my head! See my full review of the original publisher's edition of The Reality Dysfunction on Book 2.
The Reality Dysfunction Part 2: Expansion
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The Reality Dysfunction Part 2: Expansion by Peter F. Hamilton
The Neutronium Alchemist
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The Neutronium Alchemist by Peter F. Hamilton
The Naked God
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The Naked God by Peter F. Hamilton
Dragons of Eden: Speculations on the Evolution of Human Intelligence
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Dragons of Eden: Speculations on the Evolution of Human Intelligence by Carl Sagan
A superb piece of work - a must read for anyone interested in the human mind - physiologically and psycologically! Anyone interested in evolution from a theological point of view will also gain great enjoyment, understanding and growth by reading this with an open mind!
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